May 30, 2014

Everyone has issues

A friend recently linked to this article on the Book of Face: 23 Full-Sized Struggles Every Short Woman Wants You To Know About on HuffPo by Renee Jacques. Well, here is my retort.

As a skinny, average heighted (5'7") woman with long legs (and no torso) there are many height and weight related issues we Tall/Skinny people face daily. If short girls get a huffpo write up, well then, dammit! I can have a blog post. *These are all directly referencing the linked HuffPo 23 things.*

1. Just as irritating as bathroom mirrors being hung too high are full length mirrors that are too low! No, I didn't want to see my face. I need to be doing more squats at the gym if I plan on wearing makeup in the next week.

2. "How tall are you" gets a lot weirder when the answer is: "Your exact height. We've done this before."

3. Shocked looks when they hear the answer? I get confused looks, like, they don't believe I'm as tall as they are. (Also that's really a sub-section to 2.)

4. Top shelves in your kitchen are untouched? I have no idea what is under any counter or in any bottom 3 drawers anywhere. And I still can't reach the top shelves or the cabinet over the fridge without a chair.

5. People ask your shoe size. Yup. That's just the life of people being weird and having no personal boundaries.

6. Getting carded: My mom still gets carded at bars, I know too many bartenders for that. That's just a nice compliment. also, looking young ≠ being short
7. this complaint is the same as the one above it.

8. People dismiss your insecurities. Tiny isn't just for short people! That one all skinny people deal with. I get dirty looks if I even mention working out. It's like, ok world, I'll just atrophy and melt into a blob to make you feel better about being a big old fatty-fat.

9. Pants. Why, oh WHY don't women's pants come in measured sizes like mens?!!! ???? !!!
Seriously! At least short people can hem or cuff long pants. Options for me are: a. floods. "Why are your pants so high up?" Because, ass, I'm tall. Thanks for pointing out the problem I've had since I was 12. Or b. belts. Lots and lots of belts. So many belts!
So yes, you may have to cuff your jeans, I need to buy a size up on everything so I look ridiculous, oh, and they are all $12-17$ more when you include the cost of the belt.

10. Skinny people problems: Yes, I do shop in juniors as a 28 year old. Thanks for asking. Why, no, none of the styles are appealing. No. hardly anything fits in the right spots, and also no, I don't enjoy buying everything 2-4 sizes larger to allow for kids being so damn tiny.
It might save money but now I run into 13 year olds in the same outfit.

11. Clothing stores don't carry items in petit? Well, they don't carry shit in long either. I have to buy a size up on everything long-sleeved or there's a 3 inch gap between my wrist and cuff.

11a! If I want that super cute jacket in my size, I need to get one with super short sleeves and a flattering body; or one that could fit another me in the body but hey look! the sleeves fit!

12. People decide to pick you up without permission. Yup. I get fireman carried all the time. By many different people. Just 'cause. Whether I want to or not. And I usually don't prefer to have some guy's shoulder digging into my abdomen if I can help it.

13. People pat you on the head.
Awwwww. It's almost as if women aren't constantly being condescended in life and on-line to the point where it is now a social norm. Womp womp.

Sidenote with being a nerd and female at the same time: Dear men, when I tell you I'm obsessed with Doctor Who, an appropriate question is, "Who is your favorite Doctor/Companion?" a douchey question is, "Have you seen any episodes before David Tennant? How about before the 9th Doctor? Do you know their full names going back to the first? Who is your favorite companion excluding all of the ones since Eccleston?"
Also inappropriate is asking if I watch every nerdy show you can think of until you find one I don't just to dismiss me and/or "have you seen the original version of ___?" No, asshat. Seeing as how my MOTHER was 13 when the original BSG was on the air, let's go ahead and assume I haven't.

But I digress.

14. Concerts. All concerts are like that for everyone unless you're that 6'4'' 250lbs. bearded guy standing in the third row for what I assume is legally required to be able to call it a "concert"

16. Someone's head is always blocking you at the movies. I literally look like I'm 5'0" when I sit down (yay disproportionally long legs!) so I'm totally feelin' ya on that.

15. Can't reach the gas pedal. Well, for my arms to comfortably reach the wheel, my feel are 3 inches behind the pedals. Being tall isn't all it's cracked up to be.

17. Are you a midget? Ok. you win here short people. No one asks me if I'm a midget. But I do get the trying-not-to-be-horrified "Ohmahgad! How short is your torso?!" when I sit down, so... evens on this one?

18. Using your head as an armrest. Again, I don't get that but I do get, "Excuse me, would you mind getting that thing down for me from that higher thing?" everywhere. Clothing stores, grocery store, the kitchen, younameit. I love it especially when it's a place I clearly do not work at. And when it's something clearly 3+ feet over my head. No. I can't help you. Find an employee and leave me alone.

19. People walk into you on the street. This may happen to short people more, but as a female of the skinny persuasion, people will walk in large groups and instead of moving to one side, walking single file, or god-forbid clearing a path for oncoming pedestrian traffic, they will assume I am invisible? or will push my back against that nearby house to allow them to pass. That's when the elbows come out. Bitch don't play.

20. Subway rush hour means being wedged under some guy's armpit. Find a spot with an upright and hold on. There are many way around this. In what city was this written? Girl needs to figure out her life because there is no way I'd deal with that.

21. When tall people's arms go up (to grasp a subway pole, high-five a friend, put on a jacket...) they inevitably come down on your head. Nope, can't say this one happens to me. But I am right at that awkward height that everybody's hands are right about my ass level when they stand normally. So if you've got a long swing to your arms as you walk, you're probably going to hit my ass on the way. Most people don't notice, other are mortified. Very rarely do people do it on purpose, it's just there.

22. Turnstiles meant to hit at the waist are basically steel beams aimed at your chest. Try Pelvic bone. Try pushing a turnstile before it notices your token and >slam< into the turnstile. No, I didn't need that bone still in one piece. Also- really awkward bruising right there. Like, seriously.

And finally: 23.
 Some people think it's okay to talk to you like this: 

Instead of a counterpoint to this stance, I plead the 5th. And by that I mean, don't be so darn short and I won't have to get a hunchback trying to talk to you. Damn shorties.

Also, short people don't have to worry about hitting their head on things like doorways, stairway ceilings, shower curtain rods, etc...

So in conclusion, Dear Renee Jacques, Everybody has problems with their physical attributes. Whether it's being so tall or so short, so thin or big, flat chested or well endowed, a devoted Star Wars fan or a Trekkie, can't we just acknowledge the challenges and gift within each of us and use them to other's advantage? Sure I will make more of an effort to reach that tall thing for you if you will make an effort to keep your kitchen stuff in the back of the lower cabinets.

No comments: