January 29, 2008

"Sleepless" 2x04

The third week of school has begun and it feels so unreal. Like all of life is trivial. It's well past 3am and I think it's only fitting that the X-Files episode "Sleepless" is on. " I want to believe. But I need a place to start." (boo Krychek having my favourite line, but it's before he was RatBoy) in other news, I just finished my Bio for the monologues, (almost) and I've just been really, for lack of a better word, pissy, all day. I was miserable in my classes, and my coffee was just not cutting it today, although the Kenya AA is my favourite. I had to fix the stupid mistake I made with my rent money deposit, I have a friggin TON of reading to do, and I'm not a fan of journal articles or reviews, but that's what you get for studying political science. I just need some sleep I suppose, but all of this stress has to go away. I can't sleep with all this noise.

I did a good deal of thinking (shock-face) yesterday and I was thinking about a proper way to memorialize someone. Is simply thinking about them enough? Or is it living as they did? Finally taking that advice they gave you years ago, or actual emulation whether of self or specific ideals? I also looked back on the many (MANY) people that I have lost in the past few years. (I'm up to eight since 2000) But there are very few, two, in fact, who touched my life in a real sense. These are people who have changed not only who I am as a person, but how I view myself, my personal outlook on life, and the window through which I view others. My Aunt Mary who passed away in April 2000 when she was 47, she had been fighting breast cancer for a long time though, and she was one of the strongest people that I have ever been privileged to know. And Jared Hess whose ten month battle with AML Leukemia ended this Friday, 25 January 2008 as I mentioned below, Sunday would have been his 30th birthday. Jared's faith throughout this ordeal has been absolutely inspiring and at the same time, utterly tragic.

Aunt Mary is one of my heroines, one of the many people to whom I aspire to be like, very few are lifted to "Hero" status. She never lost hope, she was always kind and gentle, and even to the last was telling those around her that she would be fine. There are some random awkward moments that I remember of her as a child and it saddens me to realize that my memories of her are slowly fading. I remember visiting her in the hospital on the day that she died. She was so tiny and frail in that bed, but when she saw us she just lit up, she was smiling and hugging and talking like nothing was wrong, like not a day had passed. In all of the memories that I have of her she was smiling, and in the later years with her trademark hat. Christmas was always there with her and the whole family (there's a lot of us) would be there (seriously, a lot) She was always beautiful, always just being herself. Whenever I think of her I think kindness, caring, and love. I think that that's how she would want to be remembered.

Jared and Anne have both become heroes of mine, for their unwavering Faith. With everything that they've gone through and how young he was and Anne having those two sweet little boys at home, to still have that Faith that God will carry you through. I don't think that even they realize how strong they are. For Jared to be forced to come to terms and deal with his own death and mortality, and talk about the joy that he's had, how full his life was, and to not be consumed by hopelessness, but by Hope itself. And for Anne, whom I pray for every day, to lose the love of her life and talk about how he lives on in their boys, how he is now with God. How she can look back with love and see how God has worked in her life and their life together. And yes, I can say he's no longer in any pain, but he's not Here, with her. I couldn't deal with that, how does one even begin? "Great is thy faithfulness, Lord unto me." When I think of Jared I always feel like singing. Singing songs of Praise and songs of Faith. With his blog it's as if everyone was personally and deeply involved with every step of this process. Living with him the joys of health and the pains of defeat, of hunger for a good PB&J, and for relief from the fever and pain. But through it all, Jared had this absolute unwavering Faith and trust in the Lord. One of the things that always made him happy was reading scripture that people sent him.

I figured that the best way to memorialize these people that affected me in such a profound way was to actually take parts of the ways that they lived and emulate that, and that would remind me of them and allow me to live in memory of them, and have them go on through me. Jared didn't believe in putting anything in our bodies like caffeine (gasp) or even advil. I quickly discovered that I can not give up coffee, so I decided to give up drinking. And it's not that I drink a lot, but it's not doing anything positive for me, so what's left is the negative. This is also kind of sad because I just bought a good deal of a cabernet-sauvignon for formal. And for Aunt Mary, I just want to live my life how I think she would have.

Be kinder, more forgiving, less judgmental, more caring. Living Faithfully, living with love for people, love for God, being peaceful, giving praise.

Song for the post:

Anointing, fall on me Anointing, fall on me Let the power of the holy ghost fall on me Anointing, fall on me

Touch my hands my mouth and my heart Fill my life Lord, every part Let the power of the holy ghost fall on me Anointing, fall on me

Let the power of the holy ghost fall on me Anointing, fall on me Anointing, fall on me

January 28, 2008

The Substance of Things Hoped For....

Sunday:

So, my fault. I didn't check the blog before I left for Philly and I wasn't even going to go, but something was just telling me to go home. And then I was (well, Brandon and I were..) babysitting Joe's daughter's babies. They're twins, and three months old, and it was for almost 8 hours. I was exhausted and I wanted to go home and pass out but Megan wanted me to go out and I was just pissy and frustrated and I went out and then by the time we got home it was like after 1am, so I wasn't going to go to church, that, and Brandon was there, and my mom had someone seeing the house (potential buyer!!) so we had to clean, but you know when you get that feeling like you HAVE to do something?

Jared, this guy at my church, he was diagnosed with Leukemia in May of 07, ten months ago. He's always been really healthy, in shape, eats right and all that, so it was a total shock. He and his wife Anne have this great little boy Caleb who just turned two last month, and a new baby, Noah, who was born in October. Well, Jared hasn't been doing to well, he has a blog on this amazing site caringbridge.org and it's been really trying for everyone who reads it because of all the ups and downs and near remissions. Jared went home for hospice care last week and he passed away on Friday.

Well, Brandon and I went to ocmc today and I found out about Jared there and started crying in church and I felt like a jackass.

But Anne and her mom, Caleb, Noah, and Jared's parents were all in church today. It's not just in the caringbridge blog, Anne seems to be holding up extraordinarily well. I think that about halfway through Len's sermon (which was mostly about Jared) I realized that I wasn't crying for Jared but for Anne. Amanda is right, I would be pissed at God. How dare He! How can she be so eloquent and positive when she now has two little boys to raise without their father? How dare He leave Caleb and Noah to not be old enough to even remember their dad. How dare he take Jared so young. It's not fair. It's just not fair. I couldn't deal with it.

The amazing strength that both Jared and Anne have shown in the past 10 months has been awe-inspiring, to me at least. I am in absolute awe of how they both (Jared especially) have taken this in stride. I just- I couldn't do it. Maybe I just don't yet have that amount of Faith in God. and the Faith to trust that He knows what He's doing. It's just hard to think that there is a plan for each of us when you see, first-hand, the pain that the nicest people go through.

Anyway- today would have been Jared's 30th birthday. Pastor Len said that he's probably up with the Lord in one big party. I bet he's wearing a cone birthday hat. That would be just like him.

January 27, 2008

Pilot, Season One.

Hi there everyone. Everyone= The Blogging world, not the two (maybe three) people who will ever read this.
First: a little bit about me. I'm Jane. (Hey girl hey!) I am a student of Political Science at Shippensburg University in bumblefuck PA. I live with my friend Beth and our cats, Leona and Churchill. And another girl lives here too. I have a fabulous boyfriend, who is one of the three people reading this so, Hi Huney! I like to buy purses and I make jewelry, it's not really nice stuff, but I like it. I think "blog" is a silly word. So is spatula. I attend Oxford Circle Mennonite Church when I am home and I kind of wander when I'm at school. Two years and you think I could find a church by now. I also take Tae Kwon Do, which is really fun, I like to feel tough, but in sparring I'm a total wimp.
Anyway- Enough about me (there'll be more of that to follow) This blog is really just going to be a way for me to reflect back on myself as I grow as a person, a student, and try to grow in Faith. 
The title of said blog refers to a West Wing episode, (in season four) "Evidence of Things Not Seen” in which CJ has one of my favourite lines: ”Because I've got Faith mi compadre- That's the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen.” And that's what I hope to be. It's the goal, the outcome. Faithful. One who is full of Faith. True, realistic, authentic.
We'll see.
Song of the moment: Tidal Waves, Matt Duke