January 28, 2008

The Substance of Things Hoped For....

Sunday:

So, my fault. I didn't check the blog before I left for Philly and I wasn't even going to go, but something was just telling me to go home. And then I was (well, Brandon and I were..) babysitting Joe's daughter's babies. They're twins, and three months old, and it was for almost 8 hours. I was exhausted and I wanted to go home and pass out but Megan wanted me to go out and I was just pissy and frustrated and I went out and then by the time we got home it was like after 1am, so I wasn't going to go to church, that, and Brandon was there, and my mom had someone seeing the house (potential buyer!!) so we had to clean, but you know when you get that feeling like you HAVE to do something?

Jared, this guy at my church, he was diagnosed with Leukemia in May of 07, ten months ago. He's always been really healthy, in shape, eats right and all that, so it was a total shock. He and his wife Anne have this great little boy Caleb who just turned two last month, and a new baby, Noah, who was born in October. Well, Jared hasn't been doing to well, he has a blog on this amazing site caringbridge.org and it's been really trying for everyone who reads it because of all the ups and downs and near remissions. Jared went home for hospice care last week and he passed away on Friday.

Well, Brandon and I went to ocmc today and I found out about Jared there and started crying in church and I felt like a jackass.

But Anne and her mom, Caleb, Noah, and Jared's parents were all in church today. It's not just in the caringbridge blog, Anne seems to be holding up extraordinarily well. I think that about halfway through Len's sermon (which was mostly about Jared) I realized that I wasn't crying for Jared but for Anne. Amanda is right, I would be pissed at God. How dare He! How can she be so eloquent and positive when she now has two little boys to raise without their father? How dare He leave Caleb and Noah to not be old enough to even remember their dad. How dare he take Jared so young. It's not fair. It's just not fair. I couldn't deal with it.

The amazing strength that both Jared and Anne have shown in the past 10 months has been awe-inspiring, to me at least. I am in absolute awe of how they both (Jared especially) have taken this in stride. I just- I couldn't do it. Maybe I just don't yet have that amount of Faith in God. and the Faith to trust that He knows what He's doing. It's just hard to think that there is a plan for each of us when you see, first-hand, the pain that the nicest people go through.

Anyway- today would have been Jared's 30th birthday. Pastor Len said that he's probably up with the Lord in one big party. I bet he's wearing a cone birthday hat. That would be just like him.

1 comment:

Amanda said...

Wow, your posts are so well-articulated...I couldn't have said it better myself. Jared was (isn't it weird to talk about him in past tense?) and Anne is amazing and their faith is a shining example of what Christ living in you is supposed to look like. As much as I'll miss Jared, he's not in pain anymore, and I think you're right that he's wearing a cone party hat up in heaven celebrating - and carrying kids on shoulders too, I'm sure! :) When I've cried, it's been for Anne - how do you go on without the person you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with? How do you answer Caleb when he won't stop asking for Da-da? I just pray that the amazing faith she's exhibited so far can carry her through the tough weeks and months ahead. It kills me that I can't be there to help - although I guess there really isn't much anyone can do. I'm glad you got to be at OCMC yesterday - there's no doubt that it was God pulling you there when you hadn't intended to go. It sucks that you had to find out like that...I'm sorry :( But I bet there were lots of people to comfort you. I haven't really talked about it with anyone here because no one would understand.
Well, this is a really long comment, but I'm glad you started this blog and I think it's a really neat objective that you have for it.
Lots of love,
Amanda