January 29, 2008

"Sleepless" 2x04

The third week of school has begun and it feels so unreal. Like all of life is trivial. It's well past 3am and I think it's only fitting that the X-Files episode "Sleepless" is on. " I want to believe. But I need a place to start." (boo Krychek having my favourite line, but it's before he was RatBoy) in other news, I just finished my Bio for the monologues, (almost) and I've just been really, for lack of a better word, pissy, all day. I was miserable in my classes, and my coffee was just not cutting it today, although the Kenya AA is my favourite. I had to fix the stupid mistake I made with my rent money deposit, I have a friggin TON of reading to do, and I'm not a fan of journal articles or reviews, but that's what you get for studying political science. I just need some sleep I suppose, but all of this stress has to go away. I can't sleep with all this noise.

I did a good deal of thinking (shock-face) yesterday and I was thinking about a proper way to memorialize someone. Is simply thinking about them enough? Or is it living as they did? Finally taking that advice they gave you years ago, or actual emulation whether of self or specific ideals? I also looked back on the many (MANY) people that I have lost in the past few years. (I'm up to eight since 2000) But there are very few, two, in fact, who touched my life in a real sense. These are people who have changed not only who I am as a person, but how I view myself, my personal outlook on life, and the window through which I view others. My Aunt Mary who passed away in April 2000 when she was 47, she had been fighting breast cancer for a long time though, and she was one of the strongest people that I have ever been privileged to know. And Jared Hess whose ten month battle with AML Leukemia ended this Friday, 25 January 2008 as I mentioned below, Sunday would have been his 30th birthday. Jared's faith throughout this ordeal has been absolutely inspiring and at the same time, utterly tragic.

Aunt Mary is one of my heroines, one of the many people to whom I aspire to be like, very few are lifted to "Hero" status. She never lost hope, she was always kind and gentle, and even to the last was telling those around her that she would be fine. There are some random awkward moments that I remember of her as a child and it saddens me to realize that my memories of her are slowly fading. I remember visiting her in the hospital on the day that she died. She was so tiny and frail in that bed, but when she saw us she just lit up, she was smiling and hugging and talking like nothing was wrong, like not a day had passed. In all of the memories that I have of her she was smiling, and in the later years with her trademark hat. Christmas was always there with her and the whole family (there's a lot of us) would be there (seriously, a lot) She was always beautiful, always just being herself. Whenever I think of her I think kindness, caring, and love. I think that that's how she would want to be remembered.

Jared and Anne have both become heroes of mine, for their unwavering Faith. With everything that they've gone through and how young he was and Anne having those two sweet little boys at home, to still have that Faith that God will carry you through. I don't think that even they realize how strong they are. For Jared to be forced to come to terms and deal with his own death and mortality, and talk about the joy that he's had, how full his life was, and to not be consumed by hopelessness, but by Hope itself. And for Anne, whom I pray for every day, to lose the love of her life and talk about how he lives on in their boys, how he is now with God. How she can look back with love and see how God has worked in her life and their life together. And yes, I can say he's no longer in any pain, but he's not Here, with her. I couldn't deal with that, how does one even begin? "Great is thy faithfulness, Lord unto me." When I think of Jared I always feel like singing. Singing songs of Praise and songs of Faith. With his blog it's as if everyone was personally and deeply involved with every step of this process. Living with him the joys of health and the pains of defeat, of hunger for a good PB&J, and for relief from the fever and pain. But through it all, Jared had this absolute unwavering Faith and trust in the Lord. One of the things that always made him happy was reading scripture that people sent him.

I figured that the best way to memorialize these people that affected me in such a profound way was to actually take parts of the ways that they lived and emulate that, and that would remind me of them and allow me to live in memory of them, and have them go on through me. Jared didn't believe in putting anything in our bodies like caffeine (gasp) or even advil. I quickly discovered that I can not give up coffee, so I decided to give up drinking. And it's not that I drink a lot, but it's not doing anything positive for me, so what's left is the negative. This is also kind of sad because I just bought a good deal of a cabernet-sauvignon for formal. And for Aunt Mary, I just want to live my life how I think she would have.

Be kinder, more forgiving, less judgmental, more caring. Living Faithfully, living with love for people, love for God, being peaceful, giving praise.

Song for the post:

Anointing, fall on me Anointing, fall on me Let the power of the holy ghost fall on me Anointing, fall on me

Touch my hands my mouth and my heart Fill my life Lord, every part Let the power of the holy ghost fall on me Anointing, fall on me

Let the power of the holy ghost fall on me Anointing, fall on me Anointing, fall on me

1 comment:

Amanda said...

Hey Jane,

I'm sorry you're having a pissy day :( I hope it gets better! Poli sci can definitely be a lot of heavy reading...are you still glad that you switched your major?

I'm really glad you started this blog...you write such profound things. I especially liked what you said about memorializing people - giving up drinking is such a neat way to honor Jared...I know he'd be proud :) So am I... So I am raising my club soda (figuratively speaking) to you - here's to no drinking, lots of sleep, and plenty of learning, love, and laughter!