April 4, 2008

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.

Sorry it's soooooo...ooooo sooo long!!

I've got this awful test tomorrow that i will most likely fail. (there goes my A!) and I feel really really sickly. And X-Files isn't on for no apparent reason. AND I can't sleep. CAN'T SLEEP... ... ... ... .... ...

I'm SO sick. This is the first year in like 5 years that I haven't gotten either Strep or Bronchitis, but I still have this sick blahness and I'm sneezing more than usual (usual = strep/bronchitis) I usually like sneezing, but this time it's like actual sick and I hate it. I feel like crying and I don't know why. I mean, I'm listening to George Michael, (and not Wham!, just GM) watching Golden Girls, (actually a commercial about the Army National Guard and now I'm sad because Boyfriend is away for 3 days because of you, well, it might be because of ROTC, but ARMY is ARMY is ARMY) I have a KILLER math test tomorrow that I will most likely fail but I'm sick so whatev. Also, I'm OFFICIALLY (woo) disabled. ... yeah. Thank You... ADD. way to go. Lordie, I'm screwed. I mean, I get to schedule earlier than the rest of the student body, but I don't feel disabled. You know? You wouldn't know I have ADD unless I told you, or if I forget my meds once or for a few days ::cough- all of spring break- cough:: again-> Whatev.

But at least I've got this Poli Sci test finished and ready to hand in. (Woot! ps. on that- Trent and I have a 1 hour productivity limit... with sarcasm added/implied thankyouverymuch Dr. B.) and like I said, pretty dresses and Golden Girls. So... I suppose ... life is good?

Good night, and good luck.

If this doesn't make sense, I'm sorry, but I'm a little discombobulated. .. Which apparently I can't spell. Anyway, I'm kinda going back and forth (hell, i'm takin the freakin ADD meds!) But still weird.
Basically I can't sleep so I'm typing. For NO apparent reason other than I can. I'm Sorry that you're reading this. I don't know why you are. Weirdo.

much love.


Lady Jane said...

Update- I passed that math test!!! I didn't get my grade back yet, but according to my calculations and based on my confidence level per question--- I got anywhere from 74.5% to 87.7%

You know what that means: PASSING!!!
peace xxoo- Jane

Amanda said...

Jane, I am so sorry - I didn't check your blog before I left for spring break and so I just saw this now. WOW :(

For starters, I'm really glad you passed your math test - I knew you could do it! You've worked so hard this year to bring your grades up, so don't let one test get you down.

And that's great that TBTN went so well - we have it at Messiah too. It certainly sounds like a powerful experience, and I'm glad that you and others were able to share your experiences and support one another. That's what Community (one of Messiah's favorite words too) is all about. That's so terrible about Emily - how awful to have that happen at Ship! of course it's awful anywhere it happens...

I hope you're not still sick - being sick can certainly ruin the best of days and make a bad day that much worse. Especially when you have to study! It's ok to feel miserable when you're sick - everyone does. But you can't let it keep you down.

I can imagine it must feel weird to be "officially" labeled disabled - especially since you don't feel like you are. I didn't even realize you had ADD - you always joked about it so I never took it seriously. But since you have good meds, you're ok, right? You just need a little time to work through what all that means...

As for your 11-month aversary, I'm going to go ahead and say "congrats" anyway, even if celebrating 11 months might seem a little silly. It's still awesome that you and B have come this far and that you love eachother so much - that's definitely worth celebrating! :)

That's unfortunate that that the anniversary of your Aunt Mary's death fell on the same day. Remember that it's ok to cry - a little or a lot. I don't do it often, but when I do I always feel better - it's a good release for emotions. It really sucks that your Aunt Nancy died right after that too - a lot of sadness all at the same time. I can't imagine what you and especially Jennifer are going through - I'm praying like crazy for your whole family.

As for feeling like you don't fit in, that's how I've felt most of my life - so trust me, I understand! Especially here, there are people I hang out with, but no one who really shares my values and who I can really express what I care deeply about and what's really going on inside. I think most people in the world feel like they don't fit in - some are just better at hiding it than others. I've always had the impression that you have lots of friends - what about Meghan? And your APhi sisters? But don't worry - I'll always be here for you, no matter what. I'm honored that you would pick me to be a bridesmaid - wow! Whenever you do get married, I'll be absolutely thrilled to stand up there with you :)

The question of what you're going to do with your life - it's one that everyone's asking themselves as they face graduation. I've been asking myself the same thing - this semester abroad has exposed me to so many more problems of the world that I'm no longer sure about my "plan" of going back to Hburg. You and I want to change the world, we're really passionate, but the endless possibilities are terrifying. There are so many things we could do, but what would we be really good at? What will make us happy? I too feel inadequate... You've had a lot of great ideas over the last few years - the FBI, being a teacher, getting further education in international politics - and now this idea about missions. I know you could do well in any one of those positions - you just have to figure out what you have the most passion for, what you have the best skills for, and ultimately where's God's calling you. I'm saying this as much for me as for you :) And as hard as it is to trust, God DOES have a plan for your life. He's placed specific gifts and passions in you, and He's going to use them. And you don't have to figure it all out now - all of the people I talked to in Hburg had done so many different things in their lives before they ended up working at the Capital. It's not like they decided when they graduated college what they would do for the rest of their lives. They just got involved in things, met interesting people, and took opportunities as they came. If you did want some specific guidance, you might want to talk to Lynn. I talked to her when I was trying to figure out if I should change my major and she was really helpful - asking lots of good questions and giving me some really good insights into what she heard me saying. So that's an idea...

Whew, this is a really long comment! But then so was your post :) It would be easy to dismiss it as drunken rantings, but these are obviously things that you've been thinking about and struggling with, and the alcohol just loosened your inhibitions about expressing them. Anyway, I'm sorry that my response is so late, and I hope you're doing better today. If you need to talk I'm on Skype... Remember: you are not screwed; you are loved - by God and my me! :)

~Peace & Love~